{2:30 minutes to read} 

Your own internal processing of your external world is what determines 90% of your happiness. This realization makes all the difference when people consider how they will emotionally process impending divorce.

As I work with divorce clients, they often answer initial questions about their divorce quite angrily and with nasty overtones. Over a period of time, sometimes in as little as a month, some people turn that anger around in an effort to make the situation better for their children and for themselves, despite their painful and difficult situation. They don’t want to be a person who holds onto negativity.

I have seen two people go through exactly the same situation and come out of it in completely different ways. One may emerge stronger and happy while the other may be resentful and angry. Each person’s internal experience, intention and resilience really impacts their emotional outcome, so much more than the outside world.

I have found that it is possible to ask questions and pose problems to be solved in the positive rather than the negative. When we work with people in this way, we maximize positivity; therefore we maximize the ability to reach through their crisis for something they want rather than reacting strongly to something they don’t want.

As a man or woman are going through a divorce, it is so important to claim what is needed instead of what one believes he or she is entitled to. It is also better to claim what one aspires to, instead of nurturing the anger.

I’m not saying clients should be in denial and just put on a happy face; it is important to acknowledge the pain. But reach for what is wanted, be grateful for what is possessed, and want more of the good things in life.

It may seem like clients need a great deal of self-control to remain positive because in divorce, emotions can run high. However, I don’t think it is just a matter of self-control; instead, this is where getting professional help can be crucial. For example, in addition to a lawyer, clients might consider working with a coach or therapist.

Often, rather than dealing with self-control, remaining positive can be more a matter of finding the right stimulus. Reaching for what you want and remembering what you are grateful for are key motivations.

As clients think and figure out emotions related to divorce, it is possible to think of positive aspects that came out of their marriage. They are not just saying, “Let me go.” They can also say “thank you” for many things. Thank you for our children; thank you for the many positive moments we experienced.



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Breaking the News - Guide to Asking for a Divorce