Finding Your Voice: Strategies to Help You Speak Up for Yourself During Divorce Mediation

The Miller Law Group is pleased to provide this guest post by Meghan Freed, Esq., co-founder of award-winning Connecticut divorce and family law firm Freed MarcroftAttorney Meghan Freed is recognized as a “relationship thought leader and prominent divorce attorney.”  Medium says, “Going through divorce proceedings with lawyers like Meghan Freed, a trailblazer on the national stage, can help you reshape the narrative as a key route to personal empowerment.”  Unfinished Man adds, “Connecticut-based lawyer Meghan Freed is nationally known for her perspective that divorce is an opportunity for transformation, and her views can help her clients keep a positive perspective throughout the challenges they are facing.”

Katherine Miller is many things, including a founding mother of the amicable divorce with dignity movement, one of the best family law attorneys in the country, and an all-around wonderful person.  In her excellent article, 4 Questions to Determine if Mediation is Right for You, Katherine’s final question is the one we see clients struggle with the most.  It is “Can you, and do you want to, speak up for yourself in the presence of your spouse with the assistance of the mediator?” 

I wanted to explore that question a bit more in this guest post.   Perhaps you are considering mediation and aren’t confident whether you’ll be able to assert yourself with your spouse and the mediator.  Or, maybe you’re mediating your divorce and are finding it difficult to communicate your needs and priorities during mediation effectively.  Today, we will review practical strategies designed to help you speak up for yourself during divorce mediation. Our exploration will include a discussion of effective communication techniques, such as active listening and assertiveness, to empower you to confidently express your opinions and communicate your priorities for your future. Additionally, we will discuss the importance of setting boundaries and managing conflict during mediation.

Please know that it’s not uncommon to stumble a bit in finding your voice — especially during such an emotional time. But fear not; there are practical strategies that can help you speak up for yourself during divorce mediation. Remember that your voice matters and your perspective must be known and incorporated.  From managing emotions to overcoming the fear of confrontation, we believe you have the power to create a better outcome for yourself.

Understanding the Dynamics of Divorce Mediation

Divorce mediation is a process that allows couples to work together with a neutral third party to reach mutually agreeable solutions. It can be an effective alternative to litigation, providing a more amicable and cost-effective way to dissolve a marriage. However, for mediation to be successful, both parties must be able to communicate their needs and priorities effectively. This is where finding your voice becomes crucial.

During divorce mediation, finding your voice means confidently expressing your thoughts, concerns, and desires without fear of judgment or reprisal. It means advocating for yourself and ensuring your perspective is heard and understood. By finding your voice, you can actively participate in shaping the outcome of your divorce and ensure that your needs are met.  If this winds up being a little too much, collaborative divorce is an alternative ADR divorce approach that provides more active support from your own attorney during the sessions.

Barriers to Speaking Up for Yourself in Divorce Mediation

Before delving into strategies for finding your voice in divorce mediation, it’s important to understand the dynamics of the process. Divorce mediation typically involves a series of structured sessions where the couple, along with a trained mediator, works towards resolving issues such as division of assets, child custody, and spousal support.

The mediator’s role is to facilitate productive communication and help guide the couple toward mutually acceptable solutions. They remain neutral and impartial, ensuring that both parties have an equal opportunity to express their views. However, the ultimate decision-making power rests with the couple, making it essential that each individual finds their voice and actively contributes to the process.

Strategies for Finding Your Voice in Divorce Mediation

Speaking up for oneself during divorce mediation can be challenging for various reasons. Emotions often run high during this time, and it’s not uncommon for individuals to feel overwhelmed, anxious, or even silenced. The fear of confrontation or the belief that their voice doesn’t matter can also hinder effective communication.

Additionally, power imbalances within the relationship can make asserting one party’s needs difficult. If one partner has historically been dominant or controlling, the other may struggle to find their voice and maintain their own desires and priorities.

Strategies to Find Your Voice

While finding your voice in divorce mediation may seem daunting, there are strategies that can help you overcome these barriers and confidently express yourself. Let’s explore some of these strategies:

Building Confidence and Assertiveness Skills

Building confidence and assertiveness skills is vital to finding your voice in any situation, including divorce mediation. Start by recognizing your own worth and the importance of your perspective. Remind yourself that your voice deserves to be heard and that you have a right to advocate for your needs and priorities.

Practice assertiveness techniques, such as using “I” statements to express your thoughts and feelings and setting clear boundaries to protect your interests. By assertively communicating your desires and concerns, you can ensure your voice is taken seriously during mediation.

Effective Communication Techniques in Divorce Mediation

Finding your voice during divorce mediation is crucial to ensuring that your needs and priorities are considered. You can confidently express yourself during the mediation process by employing effective communication techniques, building confidence and assertiveness skills, and seeking support when needed.

Remember that your voice matters, and by finding it, you have the power to shape the outcome of your divorce. Embrace the journey of finding your voice, and know you are not alone. We’re here to support you every step of the way.

Setting Clear Goals and Priorities

Divorce can be an emotionally charged, and it’s crucial to approach it with effective and practical communication techniques. One of the most important skills to develop is active listening. Active listening involves not only hearing the words being spoken but also understanding the underlying emotions and intentions behind them. By genuinely listening to your spouse and the mediator, you can gain a deeper understanding of their perspective, allowing you to respond in a way that is both assertive and empathetic.

Building Confidence and Assertiveness

Another crucial aspect of effective communication in divorce mediation is assertiveness. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, needs, and boundaries clearly and respectfully. It’s important to remember that assertiveness does not equate to aggression or hostility. Instead, it involves confidently expressing yourself while also being open to compromise and negotiation. Practice assertiveness by using “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, and avoid blaming or attacking language.

Lastly, communication during divorce mediation should be focused on the future rather than dwelling on the past.  Avoid the trap of getting caught up in past grievances and conflicts.  This will only hinder progress. Instead, set your sights on finding common ground and working towards mutually beneficial solutions. You can maintain a constructive and forward-thinking mindset by keeping the conversation future oriented.

Setting Clear Goals and Priorities

Before entering divorce mediation, it’s essential to establish clear goals and priorities for yourself. Take some time to reflect on what matters most to you and what you hope to achieve through the mediation process. By having a clear vision of your desired outcome, you can effectively communicate your needs and advocate for your priorities.

When setting goals and priorities, it’s essential to be realistic and flexible. Understand that compromise is a natural part of the mediation process, and adjusting your expectations along the way may be necessary. However, don’t be afraid to stand firm on matters that are most meaningful to you. By clearly communicating your priorities, you increase the chances of reaching a resolution that aligns with your needs.

Additionally, consider the long-term implications of your decisions. While focusing solely on the immediate future is tempting, remember that divorce mediation is about creating a new foundation for your life moving forward. Consider how your choices will impact your future financial stability, co-parenting arrangements, and overall well-being. Keeping these factors in mind will help you make informed decisions during mediation.

Working with Your Mediator to Support Your Voice

A mediator plays a crucial role in divorce mediation, acting as a neutral third party who facilitates communication and helps guide the process. It’s essential to choose a mediator like those from the Miller Law Group.  You need a mediator experienced in working with couples going through a divorce who understands the dynamics involved.  

Working effectively with a mediator requires open and honest communication. Be transparent about your needs, concerns, and priorities. Feel free to ask questions or seek clarification. Remember that the mediator is there to help facilitate a fair and equitable resolution, and their role is to ensure that both spouses’ perspectives are heard.

If you find yourself struggling to assert your voice during mediation, share that with your divorce mediator. They can offer guidance and support in finding your voice and keeping the process balanced and productive. Remember that the mediator is there to create a safe and supportive environment for both of you, and they should be receptive to hearing any challenges you’re experiencing.

Seeking Support from Professionals and Loved Ones

Divorce professionals and loved ones can be an additional source of support. For example, a therapist or counselor can provide a safe space to process your emotions and work through any underlying issues affecting your ability to advocate for yourself during mediation. They can also offer guidance on managing conflict and coping with the stress of the divorce process.

In addition to professional support, lean on your loved ones for emotional support. Surround yourself with a network of friends and family who can provide a listening ear and offer encouragement. A solid support system can make a significant difference in your ability to find your voice and navigate the challenges of divorce mediation.


Remember that finding your voice is a journey, and it’s okay to stumble along the way. Be patient with yourself and give yourself permission to make mistakes. If it turns out that mediation isn’t the right approach for you, that’s okay, too.  Collaborative divorce is another amicable, out-of-court process that provides you the additional support of having an attorney by your side.  Whether you move forward with mediation or pivot to collaborative law, these communication skills will help.  With practice and perseverance, you will become more confident in expressing your needs and priorities.  

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