WHAT CHILDREN REALLY EXPERIENCE DURING DIVORCE, BEYOND THE LEGAL PROCESS

Children do not experience divorce through legal outcomes or financial decisions. They experience it through shifts in connection, consistency, and emotional tone. 

What often confuses parents is that a child’s external behavior rarely tells the full story. Acting out, withdrawing, or appearing completely fine can all be responses to the same internal disruption. Beneath the surface, children are tracking something much more subtle. They are asking, often without words, whether their world still feels stable and whether the people they rely on are still emotionally available.

Understanding this changes the goal. The question is not how to control outcomes, but how to create an environment that feels coherent and safe, even when circumstances are changing.

Children Do Not Need to Be Fixed, They Need to Be Understood

The instinct to fix a child’s pain is immediate and deeply human. But in practice, it often misses what the child actually needs.

When children are upset, their primary need is not resolution. It is to feel seen within their experience. Sitting with them, helping them make sense of their emotions, and offering calm presence creates something far more lasting than a quick solution. It teaches them how to move through difficulty rather than avoid it.

When that space is not provided, a different message can take hold. Children may begin to believe that their emotions are too much or that they must manage them alone. Over time, that belief can shape how they relate to themselves and others well beyond childhood.

The “Well-Behaved” Child Is Not Always the Settled Child

In many families, distress is easiest to recognize when it is loud. But some of the most significant strain is quiet.

A child who becomes overly compliant, unusually independent, or consistently “easy” may not be thriving. They may be conserving energy, holding themselves together, and avoiding adding stress to an already strained environment. The absence of conflict or complaint is not always a sign of stability.

When playfulness fades or spontaneity disappears, it often signals that a child is using their internal resources simply to stay regulated. What looks calm on the surface can reflect effort beneath it.

Unresolved Emotion Does Not Stay Contained Between Parents

Divorce negotiations are rarely just about logistics. They are shaped by fear, loss, and past experiences that often remain unspoken.

When those emotions go unprocessed, they do not stay between the adults. Children absorb them. Not as ideas, but as felt experience. A parent’s anxiety, grief, or reactivity can become something the child carries, even without understanding why.

Over time, this can influence how a child relates to independence, connection, and safety. What begins as a moment of stress can become part of a longer pattern, shaping how they navigate relationships in the future.

Conflict Between Parents Is More Damaging Than the Divorce Itself

It is not the separation that most destabilizes children. It is the ongoing conflict that surrounds it.

This conflict is not always obvious. It can exist in tone, in silence, in subtle exchanges that place a child in the middle. When a child feels they must filter what they say, protect one parent’s feelings, or choose between them, something fundamental shifts. They are no longer simply a child. They are managing the emotional balance of the family.

That pressure accelerates maturity in a way that comes at a cost. It disrupts a child’s sense of safety and forces them into roles they were never meant to hold.

Children Take Their Cues From the Emotional State of Their Parents

Young children, in particular, rely on their parents to regulate their world. If the parent feels steady, the child begins to feel steady. If that steadiness is absent, the child experiences that instability directly.

This is not about perfection. It is about consistency. Children build their sense of self through the reflection they receive. When that reflection is grounded and predictable, their internal foundation strengthens. When it is marked by ongoing distress, their sense of security can feel uncertain.

The emotional state of a parent is not separate from the child’s experience. It is central to it.

Performing Happiness Creates Confusion, Not Safety

Many parents try to protect their children by presenting a calm, positive front, even when they feel overwhelmed. The intention is to shield. The result is often the opposite.

Children are highly attuned to emotional signals. When what they feel from a parent does not match what they are being told, they begin to question their own perception. Over time, this can lead them to doubt their instincts and disconnect from their internal cues.

A more stable approach is not to eliminate emotion, but to align it. Acknowledging that things are changing, while remaining grounded and present, offers clarity. It shows that emotions can be experienced without becoming destabilizing.

Clarity Protects Children More Than Silence

In an effort to protect children, parents sometimes leave gaps in the story. They avoid details, soften explanations, or say very little.

Children do not leave those gaps empty. They fill them with their own interpretations. And those interpretations are often shaped by fear or misunderstanding.

Clear, age-appropriate communication allows children to stay anchored in reality. It reduces uncertainty and prevents them from carrying explanations that may be more distressing than the truth itself.

Divorce Can Be a Transition Toward Greater Stability

Divorce is often framed as a failure of the family structure. In practice, it can be a shift toward something more stable.

When a home is defined by tension, emotional inconsistency, or unresolved conflict, maintaining that structure does not preserve stability. It prolongs disruption. In those cases, creating two separate, more regulated environments can offer a clearer and more reliable foundation.

Children do not need perfect conditions. They need environments that make sense. They need predictability, honesty, and emotional steadiness. When those elements are present, even difficult transitions can lead to stronger, more adaptive outcomes.

The emotional atmosphere your children navigate during a divorce is just as critical as the legal proceedings themselves. Your approach to this transition—the steadiness you maintain, the clarity you provide, and the tone you establish—has a profound impact on their experience in real time.

At Miller Law Group, our team brings more than 150 years of collective expertise to help New York families manage both the practical and emotional complexities of divorce with intentionality. We recognize that this is a significant life shift affecting your security, identity, and future. Our goal is to help you stay focused on what truly matters, minimize avoidable conflict, and reach decisions that foster enduring stability for your entire family.

We are here to provide the care, perspective, and clear guidance you need as you move through this transition.

Transcript

Sasha Reiisieh (00:00):

Children crave the truth of their environment from what I’ve seen. And they would rather live in the sad truth of two homes rather than this confusing, chaotic makeshift lie of this tense one. And so when parents do the work to stay regulated, the child, they don’t just bounce back. They really integrate it into a deeper understanding of what it means to be human.

Katherine Miller (00:34):

Welcome to Divorce Dialogues. I’m Katherine Miller. This is where we have honest, thoughtful conversations about divorce, the emotional, financial, legal, and family questions no one prepares you for. From deciding whether to separate, to navigating the process with dignity, to rebuilding what comes next, divorce dialogues is here to help you find clarity, perspective, and a better way forward. One of the things that I hear from parents all the time in divorce is this. I just want to make sure that my kids are okay. And that instinct to protect your children, it’s incredibly strong. But what is often much less clear, especially in the middle of divorce, is what does that actually mean? Children don’t experience divorce the way adults do, and they’re not thinking about legal outcomes or financial arrangements, and they’re so in a different place than their parents are at any given moment. And so what they’re experiencing is shifts in connection, stability, and the emotional tone between the people that they love and depend on the most.

(01:44):

And often what shows up in their behavior, whether it’s acting out, withdrawing, or even seeming completely fine, does not tell the whole story of what’s happening underneath. And at the same time, parents are navigating their own grief, their own fear, and overwhelm. And it can be incredibly difficult to stay grounded and intentional with your children when you’re struggling yourself, and also when they’re all telling you both different things. So what this conversation is really about today is understanding that intersection, what children are actually experiencing, what they need in order to feel secure, and how parents can show up in a way that supports that, even when things feel really hard. Today’s guest is Dr. Sasha Racia, an ED and licensed professional clinical counselor based in San Jose, California, where he runs compassionate minds therapy. Dr. Sasha specializes in attachment relational trauma and early childhood mental health, and his work sits right at that intersection of how kids are shaped by what happens between the adults in their lives.

(02:51):

In this conversation, we’re going to talk about what divorce actually does to children, not the worst case scenario stuff, but the real nuanced picture and how parents can make choices that protect their kids’ sense of security, even in the middle of their own pain. Dr. Sasha, welcome to the show.

Sasha Reiisieh (03:08):

Thank you so much for having me. It’s such a pleasure to be here.

Katherine Miller (03:11):

I’m really excited about this conversation because the thing that really drove me to change the way that I was working with clients in divorce was what I felt like it was doing to the kids. Early on, I felt that in litigation, when everybody was trying their best, both parents, both lawyers to protect their children, it was impossible to do it. It was impossible to do it the way the system was set up. And so I’m really curious about this conversation today. And I know that your work centers on the question of what happened to you rather than what’s wrong with you, and even though that’s not necessarily how we often talk about it. So how does that lens change the way that you approach children who are struggling in the middle of a family transition like divorce?

Sasha Reiisieh (03:58):

I love that we are kind of making this shift even as a society to start focusing a little bit less on the behaviors and more on the story. Because when we look at the situation of a divorce, a child’s technical world, especially in that age demographic that I work with, with that zero to five population, their whole world is literally breaking apart. So when we ask them what happened, we are getting to a place where we can acknowledge that their behavior, some of that, what you were talking about, maybe the aggression, the withdrawal, the even regression in particular cases, it’s a logical adaptation to what might be considered an illogical situation in that child’s mind. And so in this work, using that lens, we’re moving from being a judge of that child’s behavior to becoming more of a witness to that experience. And when it comes to the trauma work that we are really doing, even for a lot of the adults, one of those key components that exist in our work is witnessing the experience of that trauma.

(05:18):

And for these young children to have that ability to be witnessed for sometimes the pain and the confusion that they are going through, we noticed that the huge impact that it has on their general mental health.

Katherine Miller (05:33):

So I think we should talk about what you mean by witness. But actually, as I hear you say that, I have goosebumps, really. You’re the expert, so let me just tell you that what I think as a parent, I always want to come in on my white horse and fix any problem that my kid has. And even though I often can’t fix it, if Sally is being mean to my daughter or Tommy’s bullying my son in the playground, I could talk to the school authorities and all that sort of stuff, but I don’t really have a fix for that. And if I try to fix it really too fast, and tell me if I’m wrong about this, that in some ways I disempower my child from learning how to deal with it herself in the situation because their pain causes us pain.That’s the thing is that we want that to stop as fast as possible.

(06:19):

So talk about what that witnessing means from your perspective.

Sasha Reiisieh (06:23):

You’re so right. And it’s such a common issue that I run into with a lot of the parents that I work with in that when they see their child experiencing some type of pain, frustration, anger, some injustice, and don’t get me started if it’s bringing up an old wound from their own childhood. My gosh, there is such a desire to fix it. And with the work that I do with a lot of parents is through this education to help them understand what exactly the emotional needs of their children are in those moments. And lo and behold, they’re always a little surprised to find out that fix it is not an emotional need that our children have. In fact, our children, they’re pretty smart for their developmental capacity and where they’re at. They’re often smart enough to get to a point to be able to figure out their problems when they are regulated enough.

(07:17):

And so witnessing them means really sometimes being with them and holding that space for what they are experiencing in that moment, offering comfort and protection and helping them organize the feelings that they are experiencing. Again, not to fix it, but what’s happening is it’s instilling within their nervous system a blueprint for how to navigate difficult moments, not just in the present, but in the future for when they’re not just five, but when they’re 15 and maybe when they’re 25 or even 35, that this resiliency is now built into their system. And for so many of us, it’s quick to want to jump to address the behaviors, address the big emotions of what it’s kind of bringing up for us. And what that really sends the message to the child is, this feeling of yours, this behavior is of yours, it overwhelms me and I can’t handle it.

(08:26):

And what that sends the message to the child then is there’s something wrong with you and what you’re feeling and what you’re doing. And you and I know the ripple effect that that belief can start to have on children, especially those that are in the middle of a family divorce.

Katherine Miller (08:45):

Yeah. So I can imagine that there’d be times when that child then just didn’t want to show their distress to a parent, and so they might appear to be fine, but are there signs that a child is actually having a harder time than they’re letting on and how a parent might not know that they weren’t fine?

Sasha Reiisieh (09:04):

Absolutely. One thing that I really help parents and even educators when I go work in the school systems, in the classrooms, I help them look for the functional freezing, and that’s what I call it. This is a child who often can be too good, overly compliant, but suddenly hyperindependent or maybe in this state of a high arousal internal collapse. So we kind of help them look for these somatic cues to some degree, which is changes in sleep patterns, stomach aches is a really big common one, or even a loss of playfulness. If that spark of spontaneous play and creativity is gone, that child is likely using all of their energy just to stay internally regulated. And while on the outside, people might say, wow, what a great child. They follow directions, they listen well, they’re so calm. On the inside, that child might be like the duck that you see on top of the water, which is great, but under the water, just paddling super duper hard and it’s taking such a toll on their nervous system.

Katherine Miller (10:29):

I’m thinking about friends of mine over the years who come from really dysfunctional families and families where divorce ultimately happened, but really it’s a dysfunction. It’s not the divorce. The divorce often ends the dysfunction or at least makes it better. And sometimes one kid is a great student, like super gets into the best schools and is doing their really looks like a prince, and the other one is totally messed up, cutting school, into drugs. And as I’m listening to you, Sush, I’m thinking the parents’ attention are all going to be on the kid with the acting out characteristics, but that other child is in just as much pain. And in adult life, when I think back on those people now, like, well, maybe not so okay.

Sasha Reiisieh (11:18):

Yeah. Yeah. These are the ones I’ve noticed in family systems, not even the ones who are going through divorce, but also family systems where maybe one sibling might have higher mental health needs and takes up a little bit more space. There are certain dynamics that play out where the siblings take on two extremes. And I do notice that those children that tend to internalize and say, “I’m just going to be a good kid. I’m not going to cause any problems. I’m not going to overwhelm my parents more than they already are. ” These are the adults that come into my office that are struggling with their boundaries, that are really having difficulties dealing with deep levels of anxiety and deep levels of depression that they cannot just make sense of and put their finger on. And they start to unravel through their inner child work years and years of suppression of certain feelings that they never felt safe enough truly to let out.

(12:18):

And I don’t want parents hearing this to think like, “Oh my gosh, it’s my fault. I have to blame myself because Katherine, you and I know blame, guilt, it’s a dead end street for a lot of us parents. The moment we start to feel that guilt and blame ourselves, it’s no good for our own child.” And often what it is that children want nothing more than to make sure that we are comfortable. I know some parents hearing this are like, “Really? My kid doing all these intense things is trying to make me comfortable.” But in some ways, children take on this message of, if this is too overwhelming for you, I might do things to try to push you away, to try to keep you away. And if some other kids say, “I’m going to internalize and keep things in because I don’t want to overwhelm you and I just want to make you comfortable and not stress you out even more.” And so we can see those dynamics coming to play and we can help ourselves become really aware of it.

Katherine Miller (13:18):

In my book, The Emotionally Savvy Divorce, I talk a lot about how divorce negotiations are really emotional negotiations. And the adults are, of course, are operating from their own perspective with old wounds, fear, and loss. From a clinical perspective, how does a parent’s unresolved emotional state actually land on their children? Because I think it really does.

Sasha Reiisieh (13:41):

You’re totally right. When parents come to negotiate from their old wounds, the child in some ways becomes like this container for a lot of that unprocessed energy. It’s funny, in a lot of our trauma processing work we even do with parents, we actually have them visualize them taking the burdens that they’ve been carrying and putting it in a container and actually doing something with that container. But when that energy is unprocessed, when that trauma is unprocessed, the children in some way or form become that container. So if a parent is terrified of abandonment, they may unconsciously cling onto their child, actually forcing their child into a parentified role. The child internalizes that, wow, my caregiver is uncomfortable with me having my independence, having my autonomy, having my own way of being. And so this child in those moments in terms of negotiation with their parents may not really be hearing the argument, but what they’re doing in that moment is actually absorbing the parents’ dysregulated nervous system.

(15:07):

And that regulation, that dysregulation that gets put into the nervous system becomes the blueprint that ripples as this child starts to get older. And these are those things that we tend to call generational trauma.

Katherine Miller (15:24):

Divorce dialogues is brought to you by Miller Law Group. We believe divorce isn’t just a legal process, it’s a human transition. At Miller Law Group, we help people navigate divorce with dignity, clarity, and respect, focusing on conversations that lead to better outcomes for families. Learn more at miller-law.com. All right. So there are a couple of things I want to say here. And so I think you started at the beginning of answering my question talking about unconsciously putting on, in your example, the sort of fear of abandonment. Well, I think sometimes it’s not that unconscious.

Sasha Reiisieh (16:01):

Sometimes it’s not, you’re

Katherine Miller (16:02):

Right. And sometimes people know that they’re like, “Yeah, I know, but whatever story.” And I want to go back to something you said earlier about guilt being not something helpful. And I don’t know if you’re familiar with Brene Brown’s distinction between guilt and shame. And so I think that guilt, the way that Brene Brown talks about it is guilt is something that could actually make you better. If you realize you’re doing something wrong and you feel guilty about it, well, you can fix it and it could be a driver for good, but shame really is just punishing. And so I’m just going to ask you, I think if a parent feels shame, that can sort of be malignant in a way and spread onto their children. Whereas if you think, “Well, I’m too clingy to my child. I’m not letting her go to school because I want someone to stay home with me today,” or something like that.

(16:51):

Yeah, you should feel guilty about that.

Sasha Reiisieh (16:53):

Where I maybe tend to disagree with Brene Brown and love her work, absolutely. A lot of great things she puts out there is from this parenting perspective, at least where we put it through, using that terminology of feeling guilt in sense that I’m doing something wrong. And the reality is when we try to understand these parts of us and what they’re doing sometimes, that part of us that might be clinging onto our child more than it should, and we know that it is, the moment that we start to judge it as being something good or bad, oftentimes it starts to hold onto us even tighter and it doesn’t let go. So when we can understand these parts of us as something that we developed, not to be good or bad, but really protective in its nature, right? That mother who clings onto their child may have once been that child who didn’t have a mother to cling onto and now feels this protective need to not pass that onto their child.

(18:00):

Now they might go a little to that extreme and through a little bit of therapeutic intervention might learn to unburden themselves with this need to be overprotective and clingy to their child because, “Hey, your child will still love you and feel safe with you even if you just let them go do their own thing a little bit.” We then help these parents recognize it’s not about what’s wrong with me and even what these parts of me are and what they’re doing and are they bad or are they good, but they exist in me for a reason and I can understand them, I can have compassion for them and I can use that to change for the next generation.

Katherine Miller (18:38):

All right, I like that frame. It’s much less judgy than what I said. And I think therefore a lot more helpful to people who are going through this because we all come to this mostly doing the best that we can do and it’s so challenging and divorces makes life that is challenging. Parenting is the most challenging thing, gosh, I’ve ever done. And so let’s talk a little bit about conflict because conflict between parents, regardless of divorce, conflict in an intact family, as I said earlier, I think could be worse because you don’t ever end it. And a divorce at least limits it in some ways. And it’s the most damaging thing for kids. And the way the studies show, as I understand, and correct me if you see this differently, the most damaging thing that kids can be perfectly fine, resilient, successful, happy post-divorce, but the thing that really challenges them is this ongoing conflict between their parents.

(19:32):

So what do you think the parents really should be paying attention to when we talk about conflict?

Sasha Reiisieh (19:38):

They sometimes think about the loud fighting that kind of takes place. For many of these children, it’s not just the loud fighting, right? It’s what I like to call the cold that takes place between the parents. These are the eye rolls, the heavy size, the tell your father, tell your mother this, those messages. I think the threshold is that emotional triangulation that we really should be looking for. When a child is put into this position where suddenly they have to feel like they must choose or filter their authenticity or their information that they are sharing and wanting to express and take on just to protect a parent’s feelings, that’s the moment they lose their right to be a child. And that is the moment. That moment itself becomes more damaging than the divorce itself there. Co-parenting, you guys can hate each other, but don’t hate the system as hard as that is because for the child, that system is their world.

(21:03):

And when it feels like it’s two biggest protectors and support systems and source of strength are at war with each other, they feel it, they know it and it creates such internal disruption for them and forces them to potentially grow up way faster than they should.

Katherine Miller (21:26):

Yeah, I think that’s a great explanation. And this is true with kids of all ages, because I know that you work with really the little guys, like kids under five, and you do parent-child relational therapy with these really little kids and their parents. It must be that you see the earliest years as really being formative in ways that have really a long tail, long impact on their lives. So if there are listeners out there who have really young kids going through divorce, what do you think those people really need to understand?

Sasha Reiisieh (21:59):

Oh, what I love sharing with parents of kiddos this age is these kids are sensory sponges, as in they don’t necessarily have the logic to understand custody schedules, the back and forths. There’s a reason even why for so many of us, it’s hard to even recall vivid memories from ages zero to even six. For many people, their first verbal memory really starts at about age eight. And there’s science behind that. Our brain during ages six and seven goes through this pruning process where it gets rid of its connection to certain memories that were too overwhelming. The brain does this even during traumatic experiences, why sometimes we say the body is what keeps the score. So they carry the somatic memory of the tension that may have existed during the drop-offs and the transitions and the back and forths that they may have gone through. And so the most important thing to understand for kiddos this age is that you as the parents, you are their external regulator.

(23:23):

If you are okay, they can eventually be okay. That’s the child’s internal rule. Mom, dad, if you’re comfortable, we are comfortable because their sense of self is still truly being mirrored by the parents in those years. And so if that mirror is cracked by constant distress, their own foundation is going to feel shaky, and that still sets the foundation for what their nervous system is going to be like moving forward.

Katherine Miller (24:02):

Wow. So what do you see parents who have genuinely good intentions? They’re really trying to do the best and stay out of conflict. Are there things that those parents sometimes do that still end up being harmful to their kids? We’re going to hate the answer to this question.

Sasha Reiisieh (24:19):

I’ll be honest, so parents often, because hey, protection is an emotional need at the end of the day, so I don’t blame here for what they do, but parents often try to protect their children by performing this version of happiness or fineness that it’s just not real. Bless the parents, but they put on a brave face, keep their voices level, they try to act like everything is normal just to not avoid upsetting that child. But the harm here, as I tell a lot of the parents I work with, it’s not the sadness, it’s the incongruence, that mismatch of energy in the room. A child’s nervous system throughout these years is constantly scanning their parent for safety, like twenty four seven. And so when a parent looks happy, but their energy just gives off stress or sadness, it creates this mismatch for the child. And the child, actually what happens is they start to doubt their own intuition over time.

(25:39):

They start to think, “I feel like something is wrong, but mom is saying it’s okay. So my gut must be lying to me. ” So what I try to educate the parents I work with is instead of performing happy, I encourage parents to perform regulated. And what that sounds like in these moments is like, “Hey, I’m feeling a little sad today because things are changing and that’s okay. I’m still the grownup. I’m still in charge and I’m going to be fine and I got you. ” This teaches the child actually that big feelings are manageable rather than something that we have to hide or we have to fear. And that ripple that has is so powerful.

Katherine Miller (26:30):

Oftentimes families who are really trying to do the right thing will say, “We’re going to have a family dinner together every Sunday, or we’re going to celebrate Thanksgiving together,” or something like that, but they’re really not super comfortable with that. And I always wonder about that. I love the intention of trying to maintain a family, but I also think it might be confusing for kids. They’re like, “Wait a second, are you getting divorced or what?

Sasha Reiisieh (26:53):

” It can be. And communication is so key. I’ve worked with parents who mom and dad just cannot stand each other and don’t want anything to do with each other and will keep their distance as much as they can and try to create as much normalcy and structure and predictability as possible for these children. And I’ve seen some families who mom and dad will still go on vacation together, take the kids with each other, still try to show the kids that mom and dad can still be good friends. They can get along with each other, but sometimes mommies and daddies realize that they’re not meant to be together and still try to some way developmentally, appropriately communicate that to the children. And that to me often is such a key piece regarding whatever the parents choose is the best kind of co-parenting strategy moving forward, is that don’t let the kids fill in the blanks about what’s going on, what’s happening, what’s going to be going to happen, what it all means.

(28:01):

Children have very imaginative, very irrational minds, and when they are left on their own to fill in the blanks of the story of the divorce, you could see how sometimes things can go a little hitwired with that.

Katherine Miller (28:18):

I think that really makes a lot of sense. I think we’re all filling in the blanks in the story all the time, so why would kids be any different?

Sasha Reiisieh (28:24):

Right. So we all make meaning to things that are happening to us.

Katherine Miller (28:26):

Exactly. All right. So we’re reaching the end of the show. I just have a couple more questions for you. And the first one is, what is that reframe, a real shift in thinking that really could change everything for how a parent is trying to navigate divorce well for their kids?

Sasha Reiisieh (28:42):

Some parents that I work with kind of come in with the idea of divorce and they’re ready to label themselves as a failure and things have gone wrong. But sometimes instead of viewing divorce as a limitation or failure of the family unit, I want parents sometimes to reframe it often as a courageous intervention. For many families, that pre-divorce environment was defined by chronic conflict and tension and sometimes emotional mismatch. Or even going back to what I said earlier about that functional freezing where everyone just seems to be performing just for safety. And for some parents choosing to live two separate regulated lives in two separate regulated homes rather than one high conflict, emotionally flat home potentially, you are teaching your child actually that the most important attachment lesson there is is that ruins can be repaired. Peace is a requirement, not a luxury. So So for some parents, I have to tell them, you aren’t giving your child a broken home.

(30:06):

What you are really doing is giving them two chances to see what a regulated, healthy adult looks like. We know that children, they don’t need the perfect family. They don’t need perfect parents. They need predictable ones. And so an empowering divorce can allow a parent to just reclaim their own nervous system so they can finally offer the attunement that the child was missing in the chaos of that marriage.

Katherine Miller (30:46):

I think that’s great. And so looking back at the families that you’ve worked with, what surprised you most about how children handle and move through the divorce process of their parents?

Sasha Reiisieh (30:59):

I think everyone’s go- to sometimes here is to say resilience and that often, I hate that word because it’s often used to describe kids who are just staying quiet and getting by. And I have adult clients who are just reflecting back on their childhood and saying, “Man, I hated having to be resilient.” The real surprise I think is seeing a lot of these children develop this high resolution ability to read emotional landscapes. When a divorce from what I’ve seen is handled with clinical attunement, really, these children, they go beyond just surviving. They become so incredibly skilled at navigating complex human emotions. Now, I’ve seen children as young as four or five move from this state of functional freeze into this state of vibrant expansion. And the surprise to me is often how quickly a child’s somatic symptoms, those mysterious stomach aches, the sleep terrors, the hypervigilance, how all of that can dissolve once that atmospheric pressure of the home changes.

(32:21):

Children crave the truth of their environment from what I’ve seen. And they would rather live in the sad truth of two homes rather than this confusing, chaotic makeshift lie of this tense one. And so when parents do the work to stay regulated, the child, they don’t just bounce back. They really integrate it into a deeper understanding of what it means to be human.

Katherine Miller (32:55):

Wow, that’s really great. Dr. Sasha Recia, thank you so much for being my guests and divorced dialogues. I really appreciate your time today.

Sasha Reiisieh (33:03):

Thank you so much for having me. It was truly a pleasure getting to talk about this with you.

Katherine Miller (33:07):

I have some reflections on my conversation with Dr. Sasha Recia about the impact of divorce on children and how important the way we as parents comport ourselves behave, how we act even in honesty with ourselves that impacts our children. And I think that really we are our children’s home. We create the environment. They are interpreting the world around them based on our reaction because they have no other way to do that. And that is so important. And it’s true what I said at the beginning of the show when I was a litigator, I realized early, early on that even when everybody was doing their best to protect their children in the court system, there is no way to do that, that the children are in the middle and they are going to be used as pawns and that’s terrible. But that also often happens emotionally when we aren’t in court and being really careful and with our own feelings.

(34:14):

And I think often working with a therapist or a coach to help parents be aware of what their actions are, how they might be acting out on their children is really important. Because listen, even if you do everything perfectly, you’re going to have an impact on your children and it’s not going to be perfect. And I just want to tell you something a little personal about me and my family as longtime listeners to the show will know I have a blended family. So my husband and I got married 27 years ago. We each had a son and a daughter and a dog, and then we had a child together. So we have this blended family of five kids, the dogs have passed away. And recently, we’ve always gotten along pretty well as an adult family now, but there have been some tensions. And so we decided altogether that we would engage in some family therapy to see if we could kind of clean up the feelings between us and have just an easier relationship.

(35:13):

And so we started this family therapy and each child was able to tell my husband and myself individually and then together how they have felt about our family from the beginning, which was many, many years ago. And it has been, well, I’m going to be honest with you, it’s been painful, but it’s also been sort of joyful that they still want to tell us that they still want it to be something that’s better so that this doesn’t stop when your children go to college or when they marry or have children of their own. It goes on this relationship. And the relationship that we have with our young children is just the beginning of a lifetime relationship that we will have with our children as they grow up and become adults themselves. And so really be careful about how you’re managing them and yourself as a parent and parents together through this process is really important.

(36:13):

I’m really grateful for all of you for listening today and always. If this conversation was helpful, share it with someone who might need it. And if you’re navigating divorce yourself, you’ll find more resources and episodes at miller-law.com. Make sure to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.