Negotiating Your Divorce

Negotiating your divorce is really, really hard. I’m Katherine Miller, and I’ve been a divorce attorney in New York City and Westchester County, New York, for over 30 years. Just today, I was speaking with two clients who were hearing for the first time where their spouses stood in the negotiation. So, I’ve got a few tips for you and a suggestion.

First, breathe. My Apple Watch—or whatever you call this thing—pops up every few hours with a reminder to breathe. While I don’t always take the time to follow through, just being reminded to breathe in that moment really helps. If you meditate, focus on your breathing during meditation because it truly helps calm your nervous system and gets you through those difficult moments when you’re hearing challenging news.

Second, do not pick up your phone and text something like, “How could you be such an a-hole?” or whatever else you might want to say. No one ever picks up the phone to text, “Hey, thanks for being so generous.” That just doesn’t happen, and sending that angry text isn’t going to move the negotiation forward in a way that helps you.

Third—and this one is really hard—try to remember that it’s really not about you. This might sound ridiculous in the context of a divorce negotiation, but it’s actually about the other person—your spouse—and how they’re viewing the situation. They’re not really thinking about you yet. We haven’t reached that part of the negotiation. Eventually, they will have to consider your perspective, just as you will have to consider theirs in order to reach an agreement. But this might not be that moment, so try not to take it personally. It’s all part of the negotiation process.

Here’s what I suggest: I’ve been hosting a radio show and podcast called Divorce Dialogues for eight years, where every other week, I interview an expert in the field of divorce for half an hour. There are many hours of really helpful information that you can explore to find what’s relevant to you. So, go to the website, divorcedialogues.com, or search for the podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and check it out. I think you’ll find it really helpful. Thanks for listening.