Benefits of listening to your ex
Hey, Katherine Miller here again. Today, I want to talk to you about something that might be surprising: you could get a much better result in your divorce if you find a way to listen to your spouse, to truly hear their perspective in a different way than before.
Now, this might seem unexpected because you’re probably fighting a lot. There may have been fights in your marriage for weeks, months, or even years leading up to the decision to divorce, and you’re likely angry. Most people getting divorced are angry for one reason or another. Listening to your spouse may be the last thing you want to do. But let me share something with you—people often fall into what I call the “conflict trap.”
It’s a pattern of behavior, and couples definitely do this. I have a few conflict conversations with my husband where he says something, I say something, and then I know I have this perfect retort. I am so right; the universe thinks I’m right. You’d think I was right if you knew the situation. But I also know that if I say that thing I’m so right about, I can script out the next 20 to 30 minutes of our conversation. We’ll both walk away frustrated and unhappy. This could happen day after day, week after week, year after year, having the same conversation where neither of us truly hears the other.
In those moments, I know (because this is what I do for a living) that if I say something different or validate his position by acknowledging his feelings, I can change the course of that conflict. By getting out of that conflict trap, we can reach a different, hopefully better, outcome.
This is where mediation is incredibly helpful. A mediator can identify those conflict patterns and help you and your spouse break free from the conflict trap. By facilitating a conversation where you both feel heard, mediation can unlock those trapped feelings and provide an opportunity to resolve each element of the divorce that might seem impossible now.
Over the years, I’ve found this approach to be almost magical in helping people reach resolutions where they previously felt stuck. If you have questions about how mediation might help your situation, please reach out to our client specialists through this link and ask them any questions you have.