How to Forgive in Divorce?
I am Katherine Miller, a divorce attorney on a mission to change how people divorce and help them do so with dignity. Today, I want to talk about forgiveness. There are many self-help gurus, friends, and others who tell my clients, “You just have to forgive him,” or “You need to get over it and forgive her.” But that’s really, really hard to do.
On my podcast, Divorce Dialogues, I interviewed Janice Abrams Spring, an author who has written extensively about forgiveness. She makes an important distinction between forgiveness and acceptance. In her view, forgiveness requires engagement between two people: the wounded person and the one who caused the wound, who genuinely wants to work together to heal the relationship and achieve true forgiveness. She separates this from acceptance.
Acceptance is crucial because it allows us to acknowledge that something has happened, stop worrying about it, and move on with our lives without necessarily forgiving. This is important because sometimes clients tell me, “Catherine, I can’t forgive him,” or “I can’t forgive her because what they did was wrong. If I forgive them, they get away with it.”
It’s important to distinguish that holding onto anger is harmful to you, not the other person. It’s about ensuring you can move on, bringing dignity and peace into your life. I want to emphasize that this process is not easy. In my own divorce, it took me about seven years to reach a place where I could move beyond the hurt and pain and not be triggered by my former husband.
I’ve compiled a list of techniques that have helped me and my clients move through anger to a place of acceptance, if not forgiveness. I’d love to share these with you. Please email me or click on the link below to receive this list. I look forward to being in touch.