Check Your Assumptions At The Door
If you’re going through a divorce, I have one key piece of negotiation advice for you: check your assumptions at the door.
I’m Katherine Miller, and I’ve been a divorce attorney and mediator in New York City, New York State, and Connecticut for over 30 years. And yes, I’ll say it again—check your assumptions at the door.
What are assumptions?
We make them all the time.
This morning, I took the elevator up to my office. I didn’t stop by the building manager’s office to review the elevator maintenance records—I assumed the building was keeping it up to code. I didn’t check the basement to make sure the steel beams were in place—I assumed the building was structurally sound and safe.
Assumptions in Divorce
When people go through a divorce, one of the biggest assumptions they make is that the other person is out to get them. And their ex’s lawyer? Oh, that guy—he must be evil.
But that’s not necessarily true. In reality, most people want a fair resolution. The challenge is that “fair” can mean different things to different people. We all tend to put our thumb on the scale—even just a little—to tip things in our favor. So, what seems fair to you might feel completely unfair to your soon-to-be ex.
Before jumping to conclusions, ask yourself:
- If they haven’t responded, are they ignoring you—or just busy?
- If their email sounds curt, are they being rude—or just short on time?
Assume Generosity
One of the best assumptions you can make is what Brené Brown calls the assumption of generosity—believing that the other person is coming from a good place. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but it can help you approach negotiations with a clearer, less defensive mindset.
For more negotiation advice and tips, subscribe to my podcast, Divorce Dialogues, wherever you listen to podcasts or visit DivorceDialogs.com.
Don’t hesitate to reach out at info@miller-law.com or call us at (914) 685-9805. Thanks for listening!