Why Conflict Hits Hard
Conflict is hard. One of the main reasons it feels so difficult is that we often get stuck at the level of positions—what I want versus what you want. I’m attached to my position, and you’re attached to yours.
Over the years, I’ve learned that turning conflict into negotiation becomes much easier when we shift the conversation to what we truly want on a deeper level—our aspirations—rather than just focusing on our positions.
For example, let’s say we’re deciding where to go for dinner. You want Italian, and I want seafood. If we keep going back and forth—Italian, seafood, Italian, seafood—we’re unlikely to make much progress. Maybe we compromise: “I’ll go to your place this time if you go to mine next time.” But that kind of trade-off doesn’t always feel good to either party.
Instead, if we ask why you want Italian and why I want seafood, we might discover more meaningful reasons. Maybe my doctor advised me to cut back on red meat, so Iā€™m looking for a low-cholesterol meal. Meanwhile, you love the garden setting at the Italian restaurant you picked. Knowing this, we could find a restaurant that meets both our needsā€”perhaps a Japanese restaurant with a beautiful garden.
The same principle applies to divorce. When couples separate, their positions often become deeply entrenched. I see this all the time in my practice. I’m Katherine Miller, and I’ve been a divorce attorney in New York City, New York State, and Connecticut for over 30 years.
If you’re facing a conflict, whether in a relationship or any aspect of life, try to look beyond the positions and focus on the aspirations driving them. This simple shift can make all the difference.
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Don’t hesitate to reach out via email at info@miller-law.com or call us at (914) 685-9805. Thanks for listening!