Empowering Families

Hi, I’m Katherine Miller, and I’ve been a divorce attorney for over 30 years. For much of that time, I’ve also worked as a mediator. Last week, I told you about my friend Marcy, who chose the collaborative process. This week, I want to share a story about some mediation clients from a few years ago—let’s call them Karen and Mark (those aren’t their real names, of course, to protect their privacy).

Karen and Mark had been in litigation for two years, and they were extremely frustrated. Their divorce began dramatically when Karen discovered that Mark was having an affair with her best friend. She actually caught them in the act, in her own house. You can imagine how painful and difficult that must have been, right from the start. Naturally, they hired lawyers and went to court.

Two years later, nothing had been resolved, and they came to my office together, both ready to move on with their lives. They were prepared to let go of the pain and ready to write a new chapter. What was interesting about these clients was that when I began explaining how the communication process works in the litigation system, they instantly connected with it.

Let me explain: almost all divorces in New York settle before a judge makes a decision after a trial. So, regardless of which process you choose, statistically, you’re highly likely to settle your divorce. However, the issue with the litigation model is that instead of communicating directly, the parties communicate through their attorneys. For example, Karen would talk to her attorney, who would then talk to Mark’s attorney, and Mark’s attorney would relay the message to Mark, who would talk back to his attorney. Then, Mark’s attorney would speak to Karen’s attorney, who would then relay the message to Karen.

It’s like the game of telephone. Messages get distorted, intentions change, and the original communication is often lost. On top of that, it’s incredibly inefficient and expensive.

As I was explaining this to them, they interrupted me, saying, “That’s exactly what’s happening! That’s exactly what we’re going through!” So we discussed some ways they could communicate more effectively and efficiently with each other. They left my office feeling positive, and I fully expected to see them the next week.

However, I didn’t hear from them. A few weeks later, I sent them an email to check in, saying, “Hey, Karen and Mark, I thought we had a good session. Would you like to schedule another meeting?”

They responded, “No, once we were in your office and realized there were ways we could talk directly to each other, we worked it out ourselves. We’re now in the process of finalizing our divorce settlement.”

Now, that doesn’t happen for everyone, but if you’re interested in learning how mediation can help facilitate communication, speed things up, and smooth things over, don’t hesitate to reach out on our email address info@miller-law.com or call us at (914) 685-9805. Thanks for watching!