Does Divorce Mediation Actually Work?
Will Divorce Mediation Work for You?
Hi, I’m Katherine Miller. I’ve been a mediator in New York City and New York State since 1991, and this is a question I get asked frequently. Today, I’ll address two common concerns people have about mediation.
1️⃣ “We don’t collaborate well. Can we still succeed in mediation?”
If you’re getting divorced, chances are you’ve encountered what I call the conflict trap—a dynamic that feels impossible to escape.
Here’s an example: I’ve had my share of conflicts with my husband (and I’m planning to stay married to him!), but there are moments when a simple disagreement turns into a predictable cycle. I say something, he responds, I reply, and so on. In my head, I’m convinced I’m right—so right that the whole world would agree with me! Yet I also know that if I say what I’m thinking, the conversation will spiral into 20 minutes of frustration.
That’s the conflict trap, and it leaves everyone stuck, unhappy, and dissatisfied.
In mediation, the mediator’s role is to break this cycle. By interrupting the conflict trap, the mediator creates space for a different kind of conversation—one you can’t have at the kitchen table, in the living room, at Starbucks, or at the diner. With mediation, even couples who don’t collaborate well can find a way to work through their issues constructively.
2️⃣ “Can I negotiate effectively if my spouse negotiates for a living?”
This is another common concern. If your spouse is an expert negotiator, it’s natural to feel intimidated. You might wonder: How can I possibly hold my own in this situation?
Here’s the key: leveling the playing field is the mediator’s job. The mediator ensures that both parties can participate in a balanced negotiation, regardless of differences in experience or skill.
That said, if the imbalance stems from threats, personal violence, or other forms of controlling behavior, mediation may not be the right choice. These situations require different approaches to ensure your safety and fairness.
If you’re unsure whether mediation can work in your specific circumstances, ask your mediator. They can help assess whether the process is a good fit for you.
If you have any questions or want to learn more about whether mediation is appropriate for you, click the link below to download our free guide:
📥 Download the Guide: Is Mediation Right for You?
Don’t hesitate to reach out via email at info@miller-law.com or call us at (914) 685-9805. Thanks for listening!