Facilitated Prenup Conversation
I spoke to a client this morning, and boy, was she pissed. I’m Katherine Miller, and I’ve been a matrimonial attorney in New York City and Westchester County for over 30 years. Why was she upset? Because she’s getting married at the end of June, and her fiancé just dropped a prenuptial agreement into her inbox, and she didn’t like what it said.
Here’s the thing—this happens all the time. People discuss a prenup in a loose kind of way. Maybe one partner comes from a wealthy family, and their parents are putting pressure on them. Maybe someone was married before and has children from that relationship they want to protect. Or perhaps they’re getting married after having amassed some wealth or started a business. These are all really good reasons to consider a prenuptial agreement.
The problem isn’t whether or not you want a prenuptial agreement—it’s how the conversation unfolds. Usually, what happens is that people have an uncomfortable, difficult conversation about getting a prenup, but it’s never fully fleshed out or thoroughly discussed. Then, the person requesting the prenup goes to a lawyer, who has a complete conversation with them. The lawyer might say something like, “In the event of a divorce, you don’t want to pay maintenance, right?” (Maintenance is what we call alimony in New York.) And the client might respond, “Oh, no.” Then the lawyer says, “And if you die, you want to waive all estate rights, right?” The client might agree without fully understanding the implications.
What ends up happening is that this small conversation between the couple about the prenup suddenly turns into a big deal. The draft that lands in the recipient’s inbox contains much more than what they expected, and they’re pissed—just like my client was today.
There’s a better way to handle this. The key is to have a facilitated conversation before any draft is written. Have a facilitated discussion about everything that might go into the prenuptial agreement. I say “facilitated” to ensure that all the details and possible issues are thoroughly addressed.