Getting Divorced Without Losing Your Dignity
Is it possible to divorce without losing your dignity? When relationships break down, beneath all the things that couples think they are fighting about—money, sex, kids—what’s really going on is a violation of dignity. Beneath all the interests and issues is a sense that each person has violated the other’s dignity. I’m Katherine Miller, founder of the Miller Law Group, and I’m on a mission to help people divorce differently and with dignity.
When we fall in love, there’s a wonderful feeling of closeness fueled by brain chemistry. You’re crazy about the person and can’t wait to be with them, and everything they do seems wonderful. Over time, however, we become familiar and perhaps sloppy. We stop giving them the respect they deserve, losing that deep connection and appreciation, and we lose sight of the inherent value of the person we initially saw.
Add in the stresses of the world—money problems, the pandemic, sending a child to college or managing homework—and we start to lose the dignity in our relationship. These pressures lead to conflicts, which then degrade the original feelings of closeness. If you didn’t start with a strong sense of trust and bonding, it’s easy to spiral into deeper issues. The pressures undermine our dignity and that of our partner.
We must constantly remind ourselves of the impact our words have on the other person. Donna Hicks, founder of Declare Dignity and author of “Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflicts,” outlines ten ways to honor another person’s dignity. One crucial way is to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, especially under pressure. When we feel hurt, it’s easy to think that the other person intended to hurt us, even if that wasn’t their intention.
This dynamic of wanting to retaliate is often unconscious. Neuroscientists suggest we are hardwired for negativity, to perceive threats and danger, which triggers our self-preservation instincts. When a couple decides to divorce, it can be challenging to negotiate civilly if both feel their dignity has been repeatedly violated. However, each person still yearns for and can find their own dignity during the separation and in reforming their relationship.