Empowering Families

Arguing and fighting are common issues in many relationships, and as a breakup specialist, I often get asked how to handle conflicts effectively. I’m Katherine Miller, and I’ve been a divorce attorney in New York City and New York State for over 30 years. Here are some tips for fighting effectively, aiming to resolve issues rather than just feeling unhappy and stuck:

1. Use “I” Statements: Focus on expressing your own feelings and experiences rather than making accusations. Instead of saying, “You’re a jerk,” try, “I feel hurt when this happens.” This approach helps to communicate your feelings without blaming or escalating the conflict.
2. Seek First to Understand: Based on advice from Steven Covey’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” aim to understand the other person’s perspective before trying to be understood yourself. Even if you feel defensive, make an effort to understand their feelings and viewpoints. This can help de-escalate tensions and foster better communication.
3. Avoid Making Threats: Especially avoid making idle threats. For example, in my first marriage, my ex-husband frequently threatened divorce. When I finally considered it, he was surprised, despite having threatened it many times before. This illustrates how threats can lose their impact and lead to confusion. Only make serious statements if you truly mean them and have thoroughly considered the consequences.
4. End on a Positive Note: Even if you’re angry, try to end the discussion on a positive note. Instead of leaving with a harsh comment, offer a kind word or a compliment. This can help preserve goodwill and make it easier to move forward constructively.

If you’re having difficulties in your marriage or relationship and think you could benefit from professional help, give us a call. We maintain a list of professionals who can offer support. And if you feel that your relationship has reached its end, we can also assist with ending it on the best terms possible. Thanks for listening.