Empowering Families

Feelings and divorce. What comes to mind? Fear, anxiety, rage—these are really challenging emotions. They are what Buddhists call the afflictive emotions. There’s a siren going by right now to underscore the difficulty of dealing with these emotions. I’m Katherine Miller, and I’ve been a divorce attorney in New York City and New York State for over 30 years. I’ve seen so many people struggle with these rageful, hurtful, anxious, and scared feelings. Frankly, when divorce negotiations get complicated, it’s almost always the feelings that make it complicated, not the finances.

So, what do you do with those feelings? They can become overwhelming, and the conventional wisdom is to just put them aside and ignore them. But that’s easier said than done, right? You feel me? I think it’s crucial to find a kind of Goldilocks place with your feelings.

You need to acknowledge your feelings because if you try to sweep them under the rug, you’ll get sick, lose sleep, or turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Alternatively, you might try to get through this by making purely rational decisions and not allowing yourself to feel anything, which can lead to a bad result. So, how do you find a way to have your feelings, process them, but not let them dictate your actions?

First, let yourself experience your feelings and sit with them long enough to understand what they’re telling you about what’s truly important. It can be helpful to do this with a trusted friend, family member, therapist, coach, or even your lawyer. Working through these feelings will give you valuable insights that you need to get the best result in your divorce.

I’ve spoken to many experts on my podcast, Divorce Dialogues, who have offered guidance on how to do this. I encourage you to listen to Divorce Dialogues and subscribe. You can find it wherever you listen to podcasts or on the podcast website, divorcedialogues.com. Thanks for listening.