Empowering Families

A young colleague of mine asked for some personal time to speak with me this week, and what he wanted to talk about was that his parents are getting divorced. He’s an adult, lives with them, and feels caught in the middle. He wanted my advice on how to handle it. I’m Katherine Miller, and I’ve been a divorce attorney in New York City and Westchester County, New York, for over 30 years. Here’s what I told him.

I advised him to listen to his parents actively. This means letting them know that he hears what they’re saying, but without taking sides or offering advice. Once they feel heard and acknowledge that he’s listened to them, he should then gently ask if they’d be willing to hear his perspective—specifically, that he doesn’t want to be caught in the middle. I told him it might take a few conversations for this message to fully sink in, but this approach allows him to show love and respect by listening to their concerns while also expressing his own need to remain neutral.

The reason I’m sharing this is because, often, when people are going through a divorce, their close friends and family just don’t know what to do or say, and sometimes they end up doing the wrong thing. I know this because my clients often tell me about the well-meaning but unhelpful advice they receive, and it’s clear that those around them are struggling to support them in the right way. So here are some things you can do if you’re close to someone experiencing the pain of divorce.

First, follow the advice I gave my young colleague: listen and affirm. You don’t need to agree or disagree. I’ve talked in other videos about how people feel very free to offer advice, but often that advice isn’t helpful. The best thing you can do is to listen, affirm their feelings, and offer your respect and time.

Another helpful thing you can do is offer to accompany them when they meet with their divorce professionals. Just like taking someone with you to a doctor’s appointment can help when discussing a diagnosis and treatment plan, it’s also a good idea to bring a friend or family member to a meeting with an attorney or financial advisor about the divorce. Having someone there who isn’t feeling anxious can help ensure that important questions are asked and that they fully understand the situation.

Finally, include them in your life and family activities in a way that helps them feel that things can still be normal and that life goes on. Thanks for listening. And of course, if you have any divorce-related questions, feel free to give us a call. Don’t hesitate to reach out on our email address info@miller-law.com or call us at (914) 685-9805.