Empowering Families

It took me seven years before my ex-husband stopped being able to rile me up. I’m Katherine Miller, and I’ve been a divorce attorney in New York for over 30 years. Despite all my experience, it still took seven years before he could no longer push my buttons whenever he wanted. So, I’ve put together a PDF of common ex-spouse misbehaviors and some strategies you can use to manage them. I’ll share the first one and my recommended response. Then, I’ll list the other four, and if you want my advice on handling those, I invite you to download the PDF.

The first issue is when your ex is continuously critical and insulting. This is very common post-divorce because the dynamic that led to the divorce and the resentment from negotiations often lingers for years afterward. It usually tapers off over time, but it’s still unpleasant while it’s happening.

So, what can you do when your ex is being critical or insulting? First, try not to react. This may seem challenging, but one of my favorite books, The Four Agreements, has a principle: “It’s Not About You.” Even though it feels personal, and it is in the moment, their anger is more about them than about you. Remembering this can help you stay calm, breathe, and avoid reacting.

My second suggestion is more difficult: try to have compassion. This helped me a lot in dealing with my ex-husband. It can be useful to consider the pain they’re feeling and where they’re coming from, even if you strongly disagree with them. This perspective makes it easier to respond calmly.

Now, here are the other common misbehaviors:

1. They can be overly argumentative.
2. They may badmouth you to the kids—this happened to me a lot.
3. They might play the victim.

To see my tips on handling these last three issues, download the PDF linked in the notes of this video. And don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel for more helpful advice.

Thanks for listening!