What is Killing Your Relationship?
Hey, I’m Katherine Miller, and today I want to talk to you about three dynamics that can definitely destroy a relationship. I’ve been a divorce lawyer for over 30 years, and trust me, I’ve seen it all.
The first relationship killer is defensiveness—this happens to be my personal favorite, and I’m sure you’ll recognize it. It’s when one person makes a comment, and the other takes it as criticism. For example: “You left the cap off the toothpaste,” and the other person responds with, “Oh yeah? Well, you didn’t unload the dishwasher.” Now, that small issue might not seem like much, but when this happens repeatedly, and couples can’t discuss their disagreements openly, it can become a serious problem.
The second relationship killer is dismissiveness or contempt. This happens when one person doesn’t value or respect the other’s contributions or opinions. For instance, a mother’s efforts in raising the children may not be appreciated by the breadwinning spouse, or the spouse who stays home with the kids may not care about the working spouse’s challenges. That’s contempt, and it can be devastating.
The third relationship killer is competitiveness. You see this when partners try to one-up each other—like trying to be the favorite parent: “Oh, Johnny likes me better,” or “Well, I took Susie to soccer.” While this might seem trivial, when competition takes over the relationship, it becomes incredibly difficult to manage.
So, what do you do if you recognize one or more of these dynamics in your relationship? First, acknowledge it. Recognizing and labeling the issue is the first step toward solving it. It’s crucial to see the problem for what it is.
Second, decide if you can talk to your spouse about it. If you can, that’s a good sign. If it feels too hard or uncomfortable to discuss, it’s a red flag that these dynamics may have eroded your relationship more than you realize.
Finally, consider getting help. Marriage counselors or family mediators can help facilitate difficult conversations between you and your spouse, and see if the relationship can be saved. Sometimes, the damage is too deep, and divorce might be the necessary decision. But if there’s a chance to salvage the relationship, it’s worth trying.
Don’t hesitate to reach out on our email address info@miller-law.com or call us at (914) 685-9805. Thanks for watching!