Actions As Evidence: How Your Threats and Insults Can Cost you Custody
Actions As Evidence: Shifting Your Mindset in Divorce
Divorce can be disorienting. Things you thought you knew about your spouse may no longer hold true. They may not be the person you thought you married. And your outlook can change dramatically, too. Your thoughts about your future may change, including where and who you will be. Even your needs—whether to laugh, cry, or scream—can fluctuate from moment to moment.
One piece of advice you’ll likely hear is to let your anger out. And while support groups or friends may encourage you to “get it out,” that may not be the soundest advice. According to my guests this week, everything you say or do matters when you decide on divorce. As they put it, “Your actions are now evidence.”
Sound scary? Let’s unpack the idea.
I sat down this week with the authors of The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Divorce, Dr. Jill Murray and Adam Dodge. Dr. Murray is one of the nation’s leading experts on unhealthy relationships. She is the author of several books on unhealthy relationships and mental health. Her therapy practice is based in Laguna Niguel, California. Dodge is a former divorce attorney who now devotes his career to empowering women to represent themselves in family law proceedings as the legal director of Laura’s House, where he advocates for the legal rights of domestic violence survivors and their children.
Social Media
As a rule of thumb, you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want following you on social media—perhaps even for years. This is true for anything you don’t want an employer or a lawyer to see.
Phone & Text
Messages by phone and text are out of your control as soon as you hit “send” and leave a record of your contact (or attempted contact) with your ex. Even if you don’t leave a message, there’s a record of your (possibly repeated) call attempts.
How Your Actions As Evidence Can Hurt You
Once you’ve decided to divorce, you should expect that everything you do or say can potentially be used against you. Harassment in the form of nasty messages on social media or even relentless phone calls or texts can put you at a serious disadvantage in divorce.
A Special Warning for Co-Parenting
If you have a co-parenting arrangement, it’s especially important to be mindful of how and what you communicate to your ex. Not only will using insulting language or sharing painful details hurt your children, but lawyers and a judge will also log all of your interactions. If you are always late to drop off the kids and send texts or calls to say you’re running late, that will all show up on your phone record.
Deciding to divorce doesn’t mean you have to fight. In fact, it’s often the end of the fighting. Still, it’s important to be mindful of any actions or vulnerabilities your behavior may represent and adjust it to protect you.
Call my team to schedule a confidential consultation if you’re considering divorce but want to try an approach that might mean a brighter future.
