Understanding ‘Stuckness’ in Marriage Through the Lens of Collaborative Divorce

Being “stuck” in a marriage evokes an image of sinking slowly into quicksand. No matter how much you struggle, there’s no way out. However, as a divorce attorney, I often see couples who see the stuckness as a terminal state (and it may be, but it could also be a point of deep introspection and decision-making. In many cases, it’s a signal that both parties need to actively engage in finding a solution—whether that solution is to recommit to the marriage or to separate in a respectful and constructive way.

Reframing ‘Stuckness’

The first thing I advise is to reframe what “stuck” means. Our work is less about an unchangeable, hopeless condition and more about a point where difficult but vital decisions are pending. It’s a sign that you and your spouse must evaluate your shared and individual goals, whether those involve family, finances, or emotional well-being.

Open the Lines of Communication

In many stuck marriages, communication has broken down. Both parties often feel unheard or misunderstood. Here, the principles we use in mediation and collaborative divorce can be applied. Open, honest, and respectful communication is crucial. Even if the marriage ultimately ends, this type of dialogue can lay the groundwork for a healthier, more respectful separation process.

Consult the Experts, but Own Your Choices

In a collaborative divorce, we often bring neutral third parties like financial experts, child specialists, and therapists to help navigate complex issues. Likewise, outside perspectives can be invaluable in a ‘stuck’ marriage. Seek counseling, individually or together. Get financial advice if money troubles are a sticking point. However, remember: these are guiding voices, but your choices should be yours.

Explore All Options

When we’re stuck, there are only two options: stay miserable or leave and potentially cause greater misery. But life rarely offers just two paths. Could you try a separation? Consider new approaches to old problems. Seek mediation to work through specific points of contention. It’s crucial to explore all avenues before making a final decision.

Putting Children First

Children’s well-being naturally becomes a focal point if they are in the picture. In the collaborative divorce model, we often involve child specialists to address the kids’ emotional needs. If you’re feeling stuck in your marriage, focus on creating the healthiest possible environment for your children, whether together or apart.

To Stay or To Go?

It’s worth noting that while some marriages do end, many also survive and thrive after a period of ‘stuckness.’ Profoundly examining the marriage sometimes results in a renewed commitment to make it work. If both parties are willing to engage in meaningful change, there’s often a way forward that allows the marriage to continue in a healthier form.

The Ethical Obligation to Your Partnership

We stress an ethical approach to ending a marriage at the Miller Law Group. The same philosophy should apply to a stuck marriage. Both parties have an ethical obligation to each other to act respectfully, transparently, and with integrity. This doesn’t mean you’re obliged to stay in an unhappy marriage; instead, it means you owe it to each other to approach your challenges in an ethical manner, in whatever form that takes.

So, if you find yourself stuck in a marriage, try to see it less as a quicksand trap and more as a signal that it’s time for action. And remember, being stuck is often a mutual experience. Both parties have contributed to a complex emotional state, so both must actively work to resolve it. Whether that resolution is a rejuvenated marriage or a collaborative separation, it is most important to approach it with dignity, respect, and care for everyone involved.