What’s Involved in Divorce?

What Should You Know When Deciding to Divorce

There is a lot that goes into a divorce, and it can be complicated. That said, if you break it down into manageable pieces, it makes it a lot easier to handle.

First, it is helpful to think about the topics that need to be resolved. Most divorces have three big areas that must be decided. These are

• Parenting issues of time sharing and decision-making for minor children.
• Division of assets and liabilities, including use of the marital home.
• Cash Flow – usually broken down into child support and spousal maintenance (alimony).

There are a number of smaller issues that fit around these big 3 like income taxes, life insurance, etc but for the most part, the smaller issues support the big 3.

Second is the very important decision of how the decisions will be made in each of the above areas. Initially, the how question is how the decisions will be made that determine the outcome of the divorce. In New York 97% of divorces are settled before a judge makes a decision after a trial and nationwide that statistic is 95%–so it is almost certain that you will end up making these decisions yourself. The choices are:

• DIY – it is possible to resolve the issues of your divorce on your own and file an uncontested divorce package with the court. Every state has some kind of assistance for unrepresented parties. In New York you can find it here. That said, it is really hard to DIY if you have been married a while, have children or any significant assets to divide. Most people find it too overwhelming and benefit from some level of assistance.
• Mediation — In mediation, divorcing couples meet for a series of sessions with a neutral mediator who guides their conversation and helps the parties engage in a constructive dialog. The mediator may or may not be a lawyer but if she is, she is not offering legal advice. The mediator’s role is to help both spouses identify and resolve the relevant issues and arrive at a fair and mutually beneficial divorce settlement. Lawyers may or may not be part of the mediation process.
• Collaborative Divorce – Collaborative Divorce is similar to mediation in that it is a private, out-of-court process where parties reach a resolution based on their own criteria. Each party retains their own attorney, but the attorneys are not allowed to litigate. In addition, we work with mental health professionals and financial neutrals to address the non-legal elements of the divorce so that each aspect of the family transition is addressed adequately and professionally.
• Litigation – Litigation is often what we think of when we think of divorce. Litigation requires both parties to retain an attorney and while many matters do settle, the settlement discussions are often dictated by how each attorney sees the law applying to the situation. Most litigated divorces involve formal discovery practices and some preliminary court appearances even if they ultimately settle before a trial – this might be a pro or a con depending on the circumstances.

Along the way, as discussions are had and difficult moments arise, it can be useful to think about how to resolve them as a way through what can feel like impasse.

Finally, at every stage of the divorce process, it is helpful to ask yourself why you are doing what you are doing. It is easy to get into the fight and tempting to fall into the false paradigm of right versus wrong. Think about why you want what you want. What is important about it? What is important to your spouse about it (and try not to judge them while you do this)? Getting really clear about what is really important and why instead of a right/wrong dynamic can shift the discussion and make resolution possible even when things feel stuck.

If you have questions about what path to take or how to think about divorce, give us a call to see how we can help.